Five Red Flags That You're Dating a Narcissist
89Sure, we live in a me, me, me society. And, yes, it's healthy to love yourself, set personal goals, draw boundaries and look out for numero uno. However, just like anything else in life, some people take this self-love stuff way too far.
Those people are more than likely narcissists. Fun word, eh, especially if you have a very slight lisp like me. But, I will tell you what is not fun -- finding out that the handsome, charming guy you are mega-into and starting to care about is a narcissist.
So, unless you are a narcissist and enjoy the company of another narcissist so you can delight in yourself, first, and your love interest, second, here are five red flags that you are dating a narcissist (in no particular order).
For the sake of simplicity, this article is written as if for a female who is trying to figure out if she is dating a guy who is too into himself. This alleviates the whole 'he' or 'she' business. If you are a male who is reading this, you may want to substitute 'she' for the word 'he.'
RED FLAG 1 - PRINCE CHARMING IS TOO CHARMING
He is handsome and charming in a way that does not sit quite right. After a short time around him, you notice that he seems to find himself to be more charming than you, or anyone else for that matter. He consistently tries to outcharm anyone who will come within two feet of him at a social function. Signs of this may include the following:
- Overuse of the word 'dear'
- Intermittent expressions (e.g., 'as it were') used in everyday conversation
- Overwinking. No doubt, winking on occasion can be attractive and even good fun. Heck, I would be a hypocrite if I did not admit the use of a wink here or there. However, overwinking occurs when someone winks every few seconds, in an effort to add a nonverbal asterisk indicating that whatever he just said was, in essence, clever.
- Frequent unnecessary dramatic flourishes, such as "ahhh" or "Voila"
- Laughs at almost everything he says almost all of the time. This is similar to overwinking. A bit of laughing at your own clever remarks or jokes is fine. Too much laughing quickly becomes too-amused-with-self.
RED FLAG 2 - GETTING TO KNOW YOU IS ONE SIDED
Be very clear on this one. You more than likely are dating a narcissist if he spends 80 percent of the 'getting to know you' conversations on himself, only occasionally pausing to ask you a question because he senses he needs to do so.
Years back, in the early stages of a very brief and very doomed foray into dating an egomaniac, I sat through two hours or so of a guy telling me about the early years of his life, the high school years, the college years and then the career years in chronological order!
What was I thinking not to R-U-N as quickly as possible from that self-absorbed autobiographer? I mean, really. And, his life wasn't all that interesting to add insult to injury. No minor arrests. No boarding school mysteries revealed. No great athletic accomplishments. The real kicker: no references to great bands! (If you are wondering what kept me around for a few more weeks, refer to RED FLAG 1.)
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RED FLAG 3 - HE LOVES TO TAKE ALL THE TIME
It's true that it's more fun to give than to receive. However, this can wear a bit thin when you are dating someone who does not remotely understand this concept. In fact, it would never cross his narcissistic mind.
This 'taker' mentality can show up in various forms, especially around holidays. A narcissist is perfectly fine with digging in his gift bag to see if there is another item in there, other than the $150 shirt you just gave him, all while telling you he did not have time to shop for a present for you.
The taker will always show up for anything involving him, but rarely think about what your needs may be - unless you spell it out for him. Even then, it will be short-lived as the narcissist thinks only of himself.
RED FLAG 4 - EASILY BORED, UNLESS THE SPOTLIGHT IS ON HIM
I will admit it. Sometimes, to put it mildly, other people bore me a bit. However, many people do not, thankfully. While being in the front seat is fun, I can happily sit in the back seat amongst friends, too.
Not being the center of attention is very hard for a narcissist because this personality type loves himself so much. If your guy seems bored whenever the conversation is not centered on him, then he is probably far more into himself than necessary.
You can often spot this type of behavior when someone gets a glazed over look when others are talking but suddenly lights up when it's his turn to talk or the focus is on him.
Keep in mind that this red flag is referring to an extreme attention seeker. Don't confuse this narcissistic trait with a healthy enjoyment of attention. Nothing wrong with that! Nor should you expect someone to be overly into what you or others are saying. Heck, if you are like most people, you already have a therapist -- no need to date someone who is trying to play one.
A narcissist genuinely has no interest in what others are saying, but occasionally pretends to be engaged in something else just to appear less in love with himself. Don't worry. Like any other actor, their true colors will show soon enough, and you can leave them and their self-interest in the dust as you make your getaway!
RED FLAG #5 - USES 'I' WITH ABNORMAL FREQUENCY
If we are really honest, we all like to talk about ourselves and our experiences. While some do this more willingly than others, a narcissist will go on ad nauseum about himself. And, if you are dating him, you are the number one target to hear all of the sentences starting with "I."
All I (sorry) can recommend on this one is that if you take note of excessive use of the first person with great frequency, then you (okay, that's better) should be wary.
The reason a narcissist uses "I" so frequently is that he truly sees the world as his oyster and values his viewpoints and opinions far more than those of others.
To wrap things up, if you find yourself shaking your head in agreement that three or more of these red flags are excellent descriptors of the person you date, you really may want to consider finding another soul mate.
Seriously, a couple is about two people sharing life and ideas. That's hard to do if one of those two people is mostly just in love with himself.
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Sixtyorso, of couse not! Sharing your perspective, ideas, thoughts or perpective does not make you or anyone else a narcissist! A narcissist by definition, though, only cares about his or her thoughts and self, and in an unhealthy and disportionate amount to non-narcissist people. ;-)
Ann,
Just as bad as a narcissistic man is the unknowing girl that refuses to see it. You just have to grin and hope she sees it soon.
Jonathan
Hi Jonathan, I TOTALLY agree that there are female narcissists and just hope I am not one of them. ;-) That is why I tried to clarify in the hub that the hub itself was just written toward one gender to keep it simple. (See below)
And, of course, you can run into this type in many realms of life outside of dating or marriage. I like strong personalities and gravitate toward confident people, but... try to run from narcissists if at all possible. ;-)
-Ann
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For the sake of simplicity, this article is written as if for a female who is trying to figure out if she is dating a guy who is too into himself. This alleviates the whole 'he' or 'she' business. If you are a male who is reading this, you may want to substitute 'she' for the word 'he.'
Ann Smith,
I loved this hub. I think it was great. I was very impressed with your writing. I am going to read more of your hubs if I get some free time to do so. I wish you the best in the future and I hope you win hubber of the year.
Okay enough of the I's. It was a fine hub. Keep up the good work.
sschilke
Ann Smith,
I loved this hub. I think it was great. I was very impressed with your writing. I am going to read more of your hubs if I get some free time to do so. I wish you the best in the future and I hope you win hubber of the year.
Okay enough of the I's. It was a fine hub. Keep up the good work.
sschilke
Oh Ann, dear, I think this hub was fabulous. Why I was just saying to some of my wealthy friends, real upper crust as it were, how incredibly annoying narcissits are. I said to them, "Oh dear me, I just can't believe this whole narcissim thing," at which point they thought I was just hilarious because, well, I was right of course. I was like, 'Voila, another piece of genius from me, as it were," and of course they were charmed right out of their socks. I'm like that at parties though, you should get to know me, Ann, dear.
:)
(Nice hub, btw.)
One of my multiple personalities is a narcissist...I am not...shut up. Keep this up and we'll cover up the mirrors again...
Anwyay...we all loved your hub!
P.S. So did I
Thanks for your fun and kind comments. This hub was a bit tricky to write in that it's all about degrees of things. In and of itself, some of these things are not at all bad. Heck, I love attention, for example! Yet, I do not have to have it all of the time, at the detriment to all around me, etc. Point being, it was hard to write this, especially when having some of those traits, as well as enjoying some folks who do as well, but hopefully much more moderately! Shades of gray.
I liked your honesty in this one and I see you've met a couple of smartasses I'm happy to know(shadesbreath and sschilke). Hope to read more of your work.
Hi Ann, How are you today?
Another wonderful hub & very unique topic. Very interesting & you described the narcissist easy to understand. Narcissist behavior you mentioned is an extreme, however similar behavior you can find in females too. These people are suffering from egocentric behavior. I found an interesting links & would like to share with you too.
Narcissistic behavior:
"Maybe it's me causing the fights?" 3 Questions to know it's not you"
http://www.selbsthass.com/narziss_englisch.htm
http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:sJ9AlVQkBpgJ:w/~cs2160/research/philosphy/femininenarcisism.pdf+narcissistic+feminine&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=5&gl=ca&client=firefox-a
spryte says:7 months ago
One of my multiple personalities is a narcissist...I am not...shut up. Keep this up and we'll cover up the mirrors again...
Anwyay...we all loved your hub!
P.S. So did I
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You're too funny, Spryte!! This WAS a great hub.
You can uncover the mirrors now.....
Very well written hub... Now I'm starting to think that I might be a narcissist.... My poor wife. :P
This is all good into, thanks for the info. I will remember not to be like this to my girlfriends.
http:www.datingblackwomen.net
Excellent, excellent, excellent! You hit the nail right on the head.
Thanks, Silver Poet. It took dating only one narcissist to gain some really solid insight on this topic.
Yes knowing someone like this can drive you crazy doubting yourself and reality!
This is very interesting and I would like to add that I believe there are different degrees of narcissism therefore it is not always black and white so to speak yet this type of personality should never be involved in a serious relationship because they are too self centered to be able to understand or enjoy something real and giving.
Crap, I think I am a narcissist. I usally laugh at my own jokes as I find myself hilarious. I do talk alot, but I like other people to talk too, but I do get bored with them after awhile. I don't use "dear" but I do use "girl" a lot. It also kind of pisses me off when I discover that I was wrong on something, so maybe that should be added to the list.
On the other hand, maybe this is also true if I am indeed a narc. When I screw up, I beat the crap out of myself for it. I also never deny a favor to anyone, and sincerely care about what happens to others. So not sure where I fit in--definition wise.
I would ask for some of your opinions on this, but not interested--just kidden' and laughing at my own joke.
If he is driving a Mercedes he is definitely a narcissist.
One thing I'd like to add to Red Flag #2... Sometimes at the beginning of the "relationship" the narcissist focuses all of her attention on you (the idealization phase) and only later will make a total 180 and the it will be all about them and how they're better than you (devaluation.)
I ran across a female malignant narcissist a few months back whom I met online. Online she acted like I was the most special person in the world to her, but when I met her she actually told me that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and enjoys manipulating men, bringing the egos up, and then tearing them down... And at first I didn't believe her because I didn't want to believe her! She was proud to have NPD and she was very smart and tech savvy and she is very careful not to mention anything about narcissism online... But finally I was able to figure out how I could prove that she's a liar! I ended up writing a blog about my experience with her. Writing this blog is both cathartic for me and hopefully my blog will help prevent, or at least make it harder for her to use the internet looking for victims... And hopefully can help others dealing with people like her...
Ann,
I think your article just confirmed the decision I made to run this afternoon. Thank you!
I spent 10 years back and forth with a narcisstic man. We lived apart and I work in the Psych field and I couldn't pin point what I was doing with this man. Now I'm out and he still lives in my brain as to why I would stay so long.I need to get him out so if you have advise I'm all ears.
Condemned by a narcissistic lover: "Her Letters from Prison"
I (Heather Heaton) am recommending my new ebook ("Her Letters from Prison") as a motivational resource for reading pleasure, review, contemplation, and comment. My ebook will validate your inquisitive doubts about what goes on in women’s prisons; it can justify the efforts spent toward ministries to women’s prisons; and it can be an inspirational (tell-it-like-it-is) resource for drug rehab/prevention programs. The book is non-fiction prison romance (It is what it is!); and the original letters are included as images for authenticity. You can go to http://www.heather-heaton.com and purchase “Her Letters from Prison”, Parts 1 and 2.
If you don’t happen to own a Kindle, Nook, or some other eReader device, then download the FREE Adobe Digital Editions software to your computer to read the “epub” version of my ebook as purchased from Smashwords. Multiple versions of my ebook are available on Smashwords.
I am a 34 year old college student trying to better my life, in spite of the baggage I carry from my previous life. To date, I have been quite successful in accomplishing this goal; and I will use the proceeds from the book to help support myself. My picture is posted, with my book descriptions, at Smashwords. I can be contacted using email at heatherheaton@rocketmail.com.
My recently published ebook is entitled ("Her Letters from Prison: Part 1 & Part 2", by Heather Heaton). The ebook was published at Smashwords (www.smashwords.com). A brief description of the ebook follows:
1. Breanna tells the true story of her experiences in prison through her letters to her friend Heath. This is a story of survival and a quest to make a better life. The letters describe the daily shocking events of prison life involving drugs, sex, utter devastation and humiliation, anger, hopelessness, despair, and finally happiness and hope.
2. Breanna's "truth" stands still even as the world around her trembles and burns! Bad things do happen to good people; and Breanna is the perfect example of this truth.
3. Breanna's inner strengths and principles eventually win out over the corruption and evil that surrounds her. With God's help, Breanna survives the horrible experiences of prison life and regains her self-confidence and hope for a better life.
4. "Breanna" was an inmate at Tutwiler Women's Prison from 2007 to 2009.
5. "Breanna" benefitted from women's prison ministries and the LIFE Tech-Wetumpka state-funded self-help program.
The Introduction page of the ebook follows:
Introduction:
The story you are about to read is true. Unfortunately, it’s my story; and the truth is often much more intriguing than fiction. I have had to deal with this story (this situation) for more than the past ten years. I started living out this story with all the hopes and dreams of most (if not all) young American girls; and I will finish this story by realizing most of those hopes and dreams, even though they have been interrupted for a time (in prison) that seems like time and time again. Through it all, I have managed to learn some life lessons that I hope to give to you; and I am hoping that you can pick up on these lessons earlier in life than I have done. I should have learned these lessons long ago. If I had learned these lessons long ago, I assure you that I would not have written the material you are now reading. My hope is that nobody else has to endure what I have endured learning life lessons that should be given to youngsters and adolescents early in life by the ones who truly love them. But here again, there are probably other youngsters and adolescents, much like me, who will have to learn these life lessons painfully for themselves, the hard way – by experiencing them first hand. Well, if you continue to read my story, here’s what you will experience – drugs, sex, violence, prison, utter devastation/humiliation, anger, hopelessness, despair, and finally happiness and hope!
If you don’t take me seriously and you follow in my path, you are going to experience false hope and disillusionment! You are going to experience broken trusts, by those whom you trusted most! You are going to experience pain and agony that brings you to the brink of self-destruction! You will lose your freedom! You will lose the right to think for yourself and to make your own decisions! You will lose your sense of self-worth and self-dignity! You are going to lose your ability to support yourself! You are going to lose your self-confidence! You are going to be victimized; and you can do little to avoid this! You will struggle and struggle and struggle just to get yourself back onto an even keel! But if you can ever manage to muster a tremendous mountain of stubbornness and determination, and if you can begin to think better of yourself, you will be able to recover most, but not all, of your ability to manage your own affairs while regaining some of your self-confidence and feeling of self-worth. I am just about to accomplish this in my life! Being just about able to accomplish this in my life is what has led me to (it has allowed me to) share my story with you. At first, I didn’t think I could ever share my story with anyone. But, I really don’t want you to actually share (live through) my experiences, even if you think you can handle it. Just read this story and do something positive in your own life.
Note: Names have been changed to protect each individual's privacy.
Dedication:
This work is dedicated to Valrise Bendolf (Clay County Dept. of Corrections Holding Facility), Jackie Ratliff (Kilby – Montgomery Womens’ Facility), Fawn Romie/Mr. Roberts/Gary Parsons (Life Tech) and all of Mr. Robert’s little roses that he so diligently cultivated. For all their good works, these people saved my life!
I hope that you find this ebook both interesting and helpful.
Sincerely,
Heather Heaton
heatherheaton@rocketmail.com
http://www.herlettersfromprison.com
Customer/Reader Review of “Her Letters from Prison”
Heather, ever since you first contacted me about your ebooks (and when I received them) I have been giving them traction. At least two women on my case load checked them out, (like a library card so I would get them back) and were very moved by the content. I haven’t had another problem with their behavior since they read them. So…I know they are working. They should be required reading, ordered by a Judge before women are sentenced to probation, so that they would fully understand the consequences of their behavior. The coverage by The Prison Art Coalition blog is very good news both for Heather and for those that will read her story.
They (“Her Letters from Prison: Parts 1 & 2) should be used as text books for the next Life Tech facility for Women!!! I wish I had some pull for money to build a better one. I pray for it.
Gary Parsons
Parole Officer
State of Alabama – Board of Pardons & Parole
Men are more narcissistic than women over all. I think there are many styles & it is masked by low self esteem and perhaps it is a man who never got love from a father or experienced an overbearing mother who focused too much on her son's needs (possibly escape her own experiences of oppression or inequality...). I have known very few men who are not narcissistic in some way. Most wish to marry or settle with a woman who will serve them or accept them as they are without requiring them to change... and many women do this because they get lower income than men overall.
I loved to read this hub and I would like to read your hubs in future.
Sometimes I just think that people write and don't really have much to say. Not so here. You definitely have something to say and you say it with style, my man! You sure do have an interesting way of drawing people in, what with your videos and your words. You've got quite a one-two punch for a blog.
I may be a little narcissistic :) not a full- fledged one though. Thank Goodness!
We are glad to read this beneficial piece of writing.
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My ex husband is a narcissist. Most of those turn out to be conartists. I wish I knew this word when I was dating my ex husband.
"Just wanted to update you on the results of the spell you cast for me. It seems to be working. I will know more in a couple more weeks, but things are definitely moving. Keeping my hopes up on you dr.gboco.... gbocotemple@yahoo.com
sixtyorso 3 years ago
Great Hub But er um I (apology) should perhaps give up on writing autobiographical, personal perspectives on history in my hubs?